a babbling brook of bullshit

the loudest thing I've ever seen(?)

2011-12-23T15:37:00.001-05:00

So we all know that the sun is one of the brightest things... but here's a question I've never heard anyone ask: How LOUD is it? First off, I know what yaou space nerds are thinking: "STFU! It's space! And there IS NO noise in space!" Well guess what? YOU need to STFU and stop spoiling everything!!!

OK. Now that we've got that out of the way... Think about it. I really doubt the Sun is this gentle, rolling fireplace fire. It's probably more like a nuclear jet engine exploding in a firework plant... but on a planetary scale. Explosion after explosion for thousands of years now!

Or maybe not. One of the hottest things I've seen in a movie is the lava pit at the end of Terminator 2. I mean... something's got to be really hot if it can melt a Terminator, right? But they were basically whispering at the end of that part when Arnold told them he knows why they cry. Or maybe that was just part of the special effects?

At any rate, I know you Bitches don't like leaving comments, so I won't ever get a definitive answer. Maybe Sun loudness is just one of those topics that will have to be dealt with by the next generation.

Happy holidays, and...
You're welcome.

one of those people

2011-11-26T17:01:00.001-05:00

So I'm posting this using the blogger ap on my smartphone. When I installed it, I thought I had so many clever things to say... that now that I could post my thoughts on the fly... that nothing could hold me back. That was over a year ago. Now I'm bored on the bus and heres my big chance. Unfortunately, the lady sitting next to me threatened legal action if I continued attempting to take pictures of my junk getting caught in the cup holder. Oh well. Here's the best one:
(It was at night)

new sin

2011-09-14T13:18:00.000-04:00

Lust + Envy = "Lenvy"

Now for the conundrum to end all conundrums: Did I just create an 8th deadly sin, or are there now just SIX deadly sins? I vote for the latter, and here's why:

1) Lust and envy are the two lamest, weakest of the deadly sins. They should only count as "deadly" if you're doing them both at the same time. Even that's a bit of a stretch. "I'm horny because some hottie's got me all riled up, and on top of that I'm jealous that others have been with said individual, but not me!" That's basically Lenvy in a nutshell, and it doesn't sound very "deadly" to me. You know what is way worse than Lenvy, death-wise? Bee stings!!

2) I suppose six is a nice round number, but we could always add a 7th if we wanted. How does this sound? "Pride, Gluttony, Greed, Sloth, Lenvy, Wrath and Not Waiting At Least an Hour After You Eat Before Swimming."

3) After the pope, the dalai lama and the chief Jew issue a ruling that Lust and Envy have been combined to Lenvy, hopefully the pope will say "Now that's what I call sinnergy!"

You're welcome.

(The Face of Lenvy)

twitter

2011-09-14T02:44:00.001-04:00

I decided to do the twitter. My name on there is puupkitty. (Pronounce it however the fuck you want.)

On there, you're limited to 140 characters for a tweet... but for some reason, your "profile" can be up to 160 characters long. Here's what I think someone should do:

Instead of tweeting messages, just keep changing your profile. Then take a screenshot of it and post that screenshot to Twitter as a photo-tweet. OR... just hand-write out notes and take pictures of those and do the same thing. Those could be as long as you want. I dunno... these are just some ideas on how to improve it.

You're welcome.

today's tip

2011-09-10T19:02:00.001-04:00

Here's something I like to do to spread a little kindness in the world:

Hail a cab... only instead of getting a ride... pay the cab driver a compliment. "I just wanted to let you know that your cab is shining rather resplendently in the evening sun. Great job on keeping it clean!"

You're welcome.

the results are IN

2011-08-23T21:07:00.001-04:00

... as in Stal-IN!!!

That's right! All TWO of the people that voted in my poll unanimously decided that Stalin is funnier than Carrot Top. And unlike my previous poll, I did not vote in this one.

Here is a picture for posterity's sake:

You're welcome.

my favorite google images of sharron angle with a microphone near her mouth

2011-08-19T01:10:00.001-04:00

Work it, girl!!!

problem solved

2011-08-06T16:31:00.002-04:00

Abortion is one of those touchy subjects. (Not that I've ever had one, but still.) Politicians are always going on about how it should or shouldn't be illegal. Well... I've come up with a solution that may put the issue to bed once and for all, and it's based on the axiom "you can't please all the people all the time." So here it goes:

Abortion is illegal 6 months of the year. It is completely unrestricted the other 6 months.

I know what you're all thinking: Is it 6 consecutive months? No. Abortion Season (where Abortions are allowed) runs from June-August and then again from November-January. This will reduce the number of birthdays around The Holidays. Plus, the Abortion Protesters are typically religious types and would more than likely be out of everyone's hair due to seasonal obligations.

As for the summer part... I'd be remiss if I didn't mention that I was born in August and I'm still a little miffed that I couldn't celebrate my birthday in school. I'm not saying I wish I'd been aborted because I didn't get to celebrate my birthday with my friends; I'm just suggesting that it be a bigger branch on the decision tree.

OK. I'm done writing. NOW, it's time to call your congressperson!

You're welcome.

when you've got to go

2011-08-04T00:13:00.000-04:00

If you get in a bind and need to use the restroom in public, try going to a pharmacy. Here is a script you can use:

You: Can I use your restroom? It's an emergency!

Pharmacy Employee: I'm sorry... it's not for customers.

You: Then what aisle do you keep the Depends?

Alternate script:

You: Can I use your restroom? It's an emergency!

Pharmacy Employee: It's right over there. I'm happy I could help!

You: Wait! Which is closer: the restroom or the Depends?

PE: I... I guess they're both about the same distance... but you--

You: It's too late!!!! (sobs)

You're welcome.

food on FB

2011-08-03T01:47:00.000-04:00

Sometimes someone will cook some food, take a picture of it and then post it on Facebook.

"That looks disgusting!" is usually what I want to say.**

Most companies will use plastic food when they want something to look appealing. Keep that in mind, people posting food on Facebook.

**Also, I want to say the same thing when someone puts up a picture of their kid.

new poll!

2011-08-01T17:07:00.000-04:00

I've added a poll so as to cater/pander to my marvelous Russian audience! PLEASE VOTE!!

It is in the sidebar to the right. Voting ends on August 21st.

You're welcome.

proposed porno screenplay

2011-07-21T01:58:00.002-04:00

Straight porn needs a lot of talking/dialogue to keep things moving and make the situation seem somewhat plausible. Most viewers wouldn't believe that a woman would just feel like having sex; there typically needs to be a "perfect storm" type of situation where her air conditioner breaks, she doesn't have enough money to tip the pizza delivery guy, and/or her psychic assures certain doom if she doesn't eat a half gallon of ice cream off her newly found lover's cock.

Men, on the other hand, need no such motivation-- particularly two (or more) gay men. I once saw a gay porn flick where the only line of dialog for the first 45 minutes was, "Hey. Lets go to the den." It makes gay porn more "to-the-point", but we also miss out on amazing dialog and compelling plots. That's why I decided to write a script for a new gay porn:

For the sake of argument, lets say the scene takes place at our local Subway. A young gentleman comes in to order a sandwich and the following occurs. (The actors are both speaking with super-sultry voices.)

Hot Guy: So. I'm here to order a sandwich.

Hot Subway Guy: Oh yeah? That's what most of our customers do here. You're not different from the rest of them?

HG: Maybe. I like my sandwiches to be super fresh. I think you should show me the back room where you keep all the freshest ingredients.

HSG: Well here at Subway, we only use the freshest ingredients. And we make the sandwiches right in front of you so there's no guessing as to how your meal gets made.

HG: That kind of talk gets me all warm and toasty.

HSG: Not as warm and toasty as our toaster oven can make any sub on the menu at no additional charge.

HG: I'm just going to cut to the chase. I came here for sex. With youuuuu.

HSG: That sounds nice.

HG: Do you like to role play?

HSG: You mean wear costumes and stuff like that? Sure. I'm game.

HG: (Tosses HSG a duffle bag.) Here. Put this on.

HSG: (Opens duffle bag.) A Quizno's uniform? I don't think I...

HG: I could always go down the street to Quizno's.

HSG: Hmmmm. Let me think about that for a minute.

HG: You've got 15 seconds.

(15 seconds elapses as dramatic quiz show type music plays. Both stare longingly into each others' eyes.)

HSG: You're right. You should probably just go down the street. I'm too loyal to Subway to ever do that to them. They're a great company that provides delicious sandwiches at affordable prices.

THE END

and You're Welcome.

to Russia, with love

2011-07-11T14:22:00.001-04:00

So blogger has this interesting feature where you can check out where your page views are coming from:

I didn't realize what an international phenomenon aBBoBS has turned out to be. Over 34% of my readers are "goddamn foreigners" (as Aunt Betsey would say). Here are some quick thoughts concerning that:

1) I'd like to thank the 1.4% of my readers who are a part of the "Axis of Evil!" You go, girlz!!

2) At first glance, it appears that Japan is #2 in terms of readership. Wrong/Nope! I've yet to acknowledge the breaking up of the U.S.S.R., so we combine the totals for Russia, Latvia and the Ukraine (55 total). Guess what, Tojo?: Stalin comes out on top again!!

3) I wish I had more U.K. page views; the British are my ~~favorite~~ favourite!

4) Greenland can go fuck itself.

You're welcome.

kenny rogers

2011-04-03T23:07:00.004-04:00

So my mom's a big fan of Kenny Rogers but I'm NOT. The last time I complained about him my mom said, "You probably wouldn't be here if it weren't for Kenny Rogers."

Oh yeah? Kenny Rogers got you all jacked up on NyQuil and told dad to buy those expired condoms from the discount bin at the Chinese dollar store? I've read your diary, mom!

Sheesh!

food heaven

2011-04-03T22:56:00.004-04:00

So is it considered rude to talk about other food while you're eating your current food? I don't think the pheasant you're eating right now would appreciate you going on about the chicken you had last Tuesday. Show some respect, people! And if your food is poorly prepared... avoid saying things like, "This is the worst veal I've ever tasted!" Somewhere a baby cow would probably be crying. (Again.)

And just for the record... I think this only goes for animals. Fish are even questionable but I'll include them just because I'm feeling generous right now. If you're a dead potato and you're reading this... I mean, come on. You're a potato. What did you expect?

You're welcome.

ode to odes

2011-02-10T13:29:00.011-05:00

Dearest odes,
How wonderful it is
that a format exists
in that we might pay homage to things
we find homage-worthy.

Countless times have I walked the streets
and seen something that sparks my delight.
I say to myself,
"An ode I should write
so all will know that I find 'such and such'
remarkable
to the point that I wrote an ode about it."

A word three letters long.
Simple.
Pure.
To the point:
Ode.

To honor thee
A mere tribute would not do
(I scoff at tributes)
to sanctify the ode's ode-worthiness.

At the dawn of man's awareness
that he found things beautiful;
in my imagination
one man must have said to another,
"This thing I find beautiful..."
(a sunset, let's say)
"This sunset I find beautiful
and thus
I shall tell others of its beauty
but in poetic language
rather than just prose."

"Wait!" says the companion,
"Are you talking about all sunsets
or just
this particular one?"

"It matters not," the first returns,
"for I have discovered this ode
--this new thing of beauty--
a reflection of a beautiful thing
that is in and of itself
beautiful."

"Oh. I see," says the friend,
"Are you saying
that instead of calling a
'sunset' a 'sunset'
that we should
call it an 'ode' instead?"
(and it would kind of
make sense
that he would ask such a thing.
They were still
coming up with names
for things
around that time.
probably.)

"NO!
No!" retorts the beautifier.
"You're still not getting it!
I'll just write one
and show you what I'm talking about afterwards."

"I guess. but how can you
write
a sunset?"

"Nevermind," says the dreamer,
thinking about how he needs to find
some new friends.

But I digress.
And digression
does not an ode serve well.
for a well-written ode
should keep its subject at its focal point
and not go off
on some tangent.

So now I'll stop
so as to diminish odes in general
no further.
For the truest tragedy would be
for one to find all odes distasteful
based on
one shitty ode.

You're welcome.

You're welcome

2010-04-23T17:55:00.000-04:00

The Revo Disco Cat

ice-steam-ice

2010-03-03T17:09:00.007-05:00

So... Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees**. That's a difference of 180 degrees. Expressed in angular terms, 180 degrees is a half-rotation and 360 degrees is a full rotation. If someone "pulls a 180," they're doing the opposite of what they previously did. Similarly... steam is kind of the opposite of ice... right?

So my question is this:

If you boil water to 392 degrees... would it TURN BACK IN TO ICE??!! (392-32=360 degrees.)

You're welcome.

**This only applies if you're using "real" temperatures (as opposed to the metric system). I'm pretty sure the ice-steam-ice thing wouldn't work in Canada since their water boils at different temperatures.

joke of the decade

2010-01-06T17:18:00.002-05:00

This might be a bit premature, but I think I've come up with the best joke of the decade. At the very least, here's the best joke of the decade that I've come up with (so far):

Me: Hey. Does anyone know what state Dewey Beach is in?

Other: I'm pretty sure it's in Delaware.

Me: Dela-WHERE??!!

You're welcome.

tis the season

2009-08-24T00:18:00.000-04:00

This being one of the last weeks in August, many of you will hear numerous people utter the sentence, "Well, I guess Summer's officially over." (Or something very close to that.) Knowing how calendar-savvy my readers are, I've prepared a speech you can deliver so as to correct these poor, misinformed souls:

----------------------------------
[the following should be shouted intensely]:

NO!

NO!

NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!

No. No. No!!!

Summer is NOT "officially" over yet, you stupid piece of dog shit!! Look at a fucking calendar!! Summer ends in late September! LATE September!!! Not the day after Labor Day. Not the first day it's under 70 degrees outside! LATE. SEPTEMBER!!!! (You're dumber than donkey shit, you know.) I'll bet you're also one of those people who thinks that Winter ends the week after Christmas. Wrong again!! Wrong a-fucking-gain!! The reason it stays really cold until the middle of March is because IT'S STILL FUCKING WINTER THEN!!! And, right now, it's still mother-fucking summer! RIGHT NOW!!! RIGHT! FUCKING! NOW!!! In fact, we still have a whole MONTH of summer left-- SO FUCKING ENJOY IT!!! What a fucking idiot you are!

----------------------------------

So yeah! Print that out and carry it around in your wallet or whatever. I've found that's it's useful to carry two copies: One regular one... and one with some of the profanity marked out (for an audience consisting of people under the age of 8.)

Sorry to get so emotional. I just don't like it when people short-change my 3rd-favorite season.

You're welcome.

I've decided to become a vegetarian, once removed

2009-08-16T23:40:00.000-04:00

So I think I get the whole "being a vegetarian" thing. It's good for the environment and supposedly it's a lot healthier. Not to mention, there's no harm done to the animals. But here's the thing: I like meat!! That said, I still think it's important to do something.

So here's what I decided to do: compromise.

I don't want to go through the hassle of not eating meat, and I'm still going to eat animals. But from now on, all the animals I eat need to be vegetarians. It's what I call, "being a vegetarian, once removed." What does that mean if you're planning to have me over for dinner anytime soon? If it eats other animals, no dice! No shark meat, no bear meat, no owl meat, etc.

So. What if I don't know if an animal does or doesn't eat meat? What does a salmon eat? I don't know. Grass? It's this little technique I like to use called "guessing."

So now that we've established that "being a vegetarian, once removed" is a real thing, what other ramifications does it have? I think it's best if I just give you an example:

Let's say you're a farmer who's just out minding your own business when all of a sudden, a moose attacks you. It's really mad and it ends up biting off one of your fingers and swallows it whole. (For the sake of argument, let's say you somehow know for a fact that this particular moose has been a vegetarian prior to this incident.) Is it OK to kill the moose and eat it? After all, it's your finger, so the net effect is pretty-much zero. On the other hand: if you eat an animal that's eaten part of you, does that make you a "self-cannibal, once removed?"

I think this is one of those questions that's outside of my pay grade, folks.

You're welcome.

3 pictures

2009-07-27T17:44:00.000-04:00

I recently read that Radiohead's video for No Surprises was inspired by Stanley Kubrick's 2001: A Space Odyssey. I couldn't help but think of how the video (and song) relates to the movie. That said, I'm posting these pictures without further comment:

You're welcome.

profound thought for the day

2009-07-05T14:43:00.000-04:00

I only think it's human nature to compare ourselves to others in one way or another. While I don't think said comparison is an inherently unhealthy exercise, it's also important to put things in perspective:

Right now, there are approximately 6 billion people roaming the earth. There's no way to objectively determine this, but one could argue that there is a "best-off" person and a "worst-off" person at any given moment in time. The odds of being either one of those people is only one in 6 billion.

Before I take matters further, let me restate the first sentence of the previous paragraph in another way: There are approximately 6 billion people roaming the earth... right now. In other words, loads of people are being born and loads of people are dying every single second of the day. I'm just pulling this number out of my ass, but lets just assume that, at one time or another, 20 billion different people will exist over the span of my lifetime. Now, the probability of having the best or worst overall, possible life (during my lifespan) drops to one in 20 billion.

Anyhoos-- back to my original point. Out of 20 billion people, there's really only one person who can say "You know what? I'm not really jealous of anyone." Similarly, only one person in 20 billion looks up to absolutely everybody else.

"But yeah, Justin. So what?" Well, here's what:

I can say with absolute certainty that I wouldn't want to trade places with the worst-off person in the 20 billion. But on that same note, I don't think I'd want to trade places with the best-off person, either. I guess the moral of the story is: be happy with what you have.

You're welcome.

the way we name numbers is stupid

2009-06-08T12:38:00.000-04:00

Think about it.

The first 10 numbers are OK-- "one, two, three," etc.

But once you get past ten, things get silly. The next two numbers-- eleven and twelve-- have their own name. Then you start with thirteen, fourteen, etc., in which the "teen" identifies that there are an extra "ten" added to the "thir" for a total of thirteen.

Then, we flip-flop that convention and describe the "twenty" first, add a hyphen, and state, after the fact, how many things are in addition to "twenty" (i.e. twenty-four).

I guess my point is this; I like the way the first twenty numbers work-- especially when it comes to telling people your age. When you go from "nine" to "ten" to "eleven" its not such a big deal. Why? Because you kind of "ease your way in" to the next few numbers before finally admitting that you've added a ten.

Here's what I propose: Keep 1-29 the same. (People don't mind being in their 20's; plus, changing those numbers might confuse some people.) But once you get to "thirty"... we start changing them a little bit.

Obviously, 30 becomes "twenty-ten." Now here's where things get a little trixy. I don't think "twenty-eleven" and "twenty-twelve" are going to catch on, so let's go ahead and change 31 to "tweleven." Following that logic, one would presume that 32 now becomes "twe-twelve." Wrong! Why? It just sounds dumb, that's why. Instead, let's call it "twe-eleve" (pronounced "twuuh-ELV"). Or-- if that doesn't catch on either, we can just have two numbers called "twelve" (12 and 32). We would then leave 33-39 the same as they are right now, just like we re-start the "teens" at 13.

Now that we've got 1-39 sorted out, the rest of the numbers pretty-much work themeslves out. 40 becomes "thirty-ten," 41 becomes "threleven," 42 becomes "threlve," and so on. Here's the rest of the modified numbers:

51: foleven
52: forelve
61: fileven
62: flevle
71: sileven ("seh-leven")
72: siwelve
81: seleven ("suh-leven")
82: svelve
91: aleven ("aye-leven")
92: nienty-two** ("nie-EN-tee too")

** I couldn't think of a good-sounding modification to combine "eighty" and "twelve." That said, we should change it to something new anyways-- just for consistency's sake.

OK--I'm counting on you guys to spread the good word!!!

You're welcome.

product review

2009-06-04T00:46:00.001-04:00

At first glance, it is impossible to surmise how the following product could possibly work:

To make a long story short, there is a considerable difference between your gender simply being "changed"... and your gender actually being "reassigned."

(Also-- Did you get the joke just now about making the long story short? Because it took me a while.)

You're welcome.

laodicean reaction

2009-05-29T11:50:00.000-04:00

So this year's nashunal spelling be winnar kurrektly spelt the wurd "laodicean" to win the big priz.

laodicean-- lukewarm or indifferent, esp in religion

She is also from Kansas.

I could~~n't~~ be more excited.

You're welcome.

new word

2009-05-25T17:13:00.000-04:00

I've decided to broaden the English language by proposing a new word:

vaginamite- (n, adj): having, causing, or pertaining to explosive, diva-like, womanly energy

Suggested Use:
1) Ain't nobody dancin' at this party!! Some bitch best throw out a stick of vaginamite!!

2) I'm about two seconds from bustin' out a 30-lb. keg of vaginamite on yo' ass!!

Pun Potential:
That bitch ain't no fun. Her vaginamite be all rotten.

Misuse:
(Not to be confused with the two-word term describing a fictional, crab-like disease/STI)

She *has* vagina mites.

There's already an entry on urbandictionary.com, but I don't think the current definitions do the term justice. Please visit the site and give my definition a "thumbs up" so it becomes the standard, most-mainstream usage. (The definition ranking is determined by the differential between "thumbs up" and "thumbs down"-- so voting the other definitions "down" will help as well.)

As always,
You're welcome.

my very first Amazon.com review!!!

2009-05-24T15:14:00.001-04:00

So for my friend's birthday, I got him a plunger off of Amazon.com. As is their custom, the wonderful people at Amazon sent over a friendly e-mail suggesting that I submit a customer review and/or share my photos of said product. Sounds like fun!

As you can see from image above, the default photo doesn't really give one the idea of how powerful this plunger is. I thought it would be kind of disgusting to clog up the toilet for real, so we used the following ingredients to simulate a powerful bowel movement:

(1) can refried beans
3 oz. of diced tomatoes
3 oz. creamed corn
brown food coloring

Then, using a frosting decorator, I artistically recreated a circumstance that would likely clog a toilet.

Here's a fun little link to the photos I shared with the Amazon community. Link-o.

(Full disclosure before clicking the link: these may not be safe for a work-like environment and these images and/or my account may be deleted once a few complaints are issued.)

You're welcome.

words can not describe...

2009-05-19T09:24:00.000-04:00

... how happy this makes me:

family update

2009-05-02T15:21:00.000-04:00

While in some ways my grandmother's sex change operation went better than we had expected, in most ways it went way worse than we ever could have imagined. To put things in "baseball terms," it turns out that the saying "three strikes and you're out" most-definitely applies. However, a similar adage should be modified to read, "Four balls... and you don't walk."

Just thought I'd share.

You're welcome.

I, unlike Facebook, like, know what the opposite of "like" is

2009-04-23T17:31:00.000-04:00

When somebody posts something on Facebook, you can inform that person that you "like" his/her post by clicking a button. However, if you change your mind and decide that you don't "like" it, you click "unlike" to stop liking it. But "unlike" is not really the opposite of "like." In other words, you initially "take pleasure in" said comment, but by undoing your action, you somehow decide that the comment is "dissimilar to" something.

That's unlike anything I've ever seen!

You're welcome.

family history

2009-04-19T21:32:00.000-04:00

I've been reading up on my family history and stumbled upon an interesting find. My uncle Steve considered himself to be somewhat of an explorer, but he mainly just used that as an excuse to go get drunk in exotic locations and fool around with their ultra-cheap, bargain-bin whores. The bitter irony of his all-too-early demise, however, is that, somehow, he actually caught the syphilis from a mosquito, and the malaria from a prostitute. I guess one never can be too safe, can he?

You're welcome.

loser of the week

2009-04-16T10:10:00.000-04:00

So I've decided I might start a new little segment, just to get me writing again. That said-- welcome to the first-ever edition of Loser of the Week!!!

I'm sure that by now, many of you have seen and/or heard of Susan Boyle, the middle-aged internet sensation made popular by singing a stupid song on some stupid teevee show. It's kind of neat the first time you watch it, but if you stop to think about it, it's not so inspiring at all. Here's why:

She seems to be a very talented singer, but it's somewhat surprising that she's waited so long to... you know... actually sing in public so that she could get noticed. In other words, why hasn't she been singing professionally (or at least semi-professionally) all along??!! I know it's not like you just sign up at the mall to be a star on Broadway, but if she can sing like that without any professional training, basically on a whim, then it's her own damn fault that she's emerging out of complete obscurity. When the folks at BGT interviewed her before her performance, she flat-out said that she didn't have a family or anything holding her back. What else could it be? Was she wrongly imprisoned for 20 years and is just now getting her big chance? These are the questions the world needs answered, so being a gererally inquisitive and resourceful person, I managed to get a phone interview with Susan to ask her why it took her so long to actually give a shit. Here it is:

ME: So, Susan-- you've become quite popular on the internet thanks to an inspiring performace on Britan's Got Talent. It seems to me that you could have had some relative success if you hadn't waited until you were 50 to show up to an audition. What was holding you back?

SB: (In her sweet British accent): Ooooh... I suppose it was laziness more than anythin' else. I'd considered takin' a day trip in to London a time or two and try out for a play or somethin'. Just never got 'round to it.

ME: This video of you on the show has really taken off on YouTube. Any thoughts on that?

SB: Funny you should mention that! It had dawned on me-- some time ago, actually-- to just take down a video of meself singin' the song in me kitchen or somethin'... and just post that on YouTube, you know? Just never quite 'round to it, I suppose.

ME: Do you have any other talents that you're waiting to share with us?

SB: (laughs) Ooooh... you know me. I sort o' like to dabble in a bit o' this and that from time to time. I was messin' about with me home chemistry set a few years back-- about fifteen years ago, actually-- and wouldn't ya know it?-- stumbled upon the cure for AIDS. Yeeaaah. Amazin' huh?

ME: (laughs) So when are you going to drop that bombshell on the world?

SB: Don't know. When I get around to it, I guess.

ME: You mean "if" you get around to it, right?

SB: Ha Ha. You kidder, you.

ME: Well, I'd just like to congradulate you once again on your success. And for being named A Babbling Brook of Bullshit's first-ever "Loser of the Week!"

SB: And thanks to you as well. I'll make it a point to check out your blog one o' these days.

ME: No, you won't.

SB: Haha. That's right! Keep forgettin' how bloody lazy I am!! Anyways-- Thanks for takin' the time to interview me.

You're welcome.

weed b gon

2009-04-12T17:32:00.000-04:00

So the roomie is celebrating Easter by trying to murder all of the weeds in the yard with this:

I'd only heard of this product phonetically, and didn't realize that it was spelled "Weed B Gon." I guess this may be a clever way for Ortho to say, "We spelled it that way because we didn't want to give you the false impression that the weeds would actually... you know... be gone."

But then I thought, "What if it's more sinister than that?" So I went and looked up the word "gon" on Wikipedia and discovered this:

In Vietnam, the gon is a unit of length equal to 195 metres (approximately 213 yards).

If this is the case, Weed B Gon is actually designed to grow weeds in your yard.

You're welcome.

we've got heads on sticks

2009-02-09T11:52:00.000-05:00

Gwyneth Paltrow gave Radiohead a rather laudatory introduction at The Grammy's last night.

Radiohead played 15 Step at The Grammy's.

Radiohead made a "mini-video" for 15 Step based on the ending of the movie Se7en:

Who played "the head" in the actual movie?

You're welcome.

suicide watch

2009-02-01T14:11:00.000-05:00

Somebody needs to keep an eye out on me between now and... I really have no idea. Here's why:

I could write for pages and pages, but I'll just leave it at this.

you missed the point...

2009-01-27T19:31:00.000-05:00

So our good old buddy, Sarah Palin, started a new website: SarahPAC. It's basically set up to kick-start her run for pres in 2012. Being the political junkie that I am, I rushed over to the site to see if I could stumble upon any whack-tasty goodness to make fun of. Unfortunately, all I came across was this screenshot under the "About Sarah" tab:

It's pretty small, so lets zoom in:

I was hoping to find comedy gold, but all I could find was this measly little punctuation error at the end of a sentence. It doesn't really surprise me though. After all-- it is the Palins, and they're constantly missing periods.

You're welcome.

just a sec...

2009-01-27T10:18:00.000-05:00

Miller High Life, the "champagne of beer," is running a series of one-second ads during the Superbowl. From the press release:

“Just like our consumers, High Life strives to make smart choices. One second should be plenty of time to remind viewers that Miller High Life is common sense in a bottle.”

I can assure you, it is not.

You're welcome.

poll results!!!

2009-01-26T12:40:00.000-05:00

In what must be one of the most scientific polls ever conducted, the "have you ever used an entire thingy of chapstick" poll has finally closed. The results? An astounding one person(!!!!) undertook a great deal of time and effort (clicking a fucking button), and actually voted in the poll. The result? An overwhelming 100% win for the "no" team. That said, "yours truly" (a.k.a me) voted in the poll, which means that I may as well have not spent the time and effort creating the poll in the first place and just left it at, "Hey everyone-- I've never used an entire thingy of chapstick. End of story."

And to add some salt to the wound... I saw one of my friends using chapstick this weekend and asked if he had ever run out. As it turns out-- yes, he regularly uses the entire stick and is a real chapstick afficianado. So, fuck me.

Anyhoos- This raises an interesting question: Who is reading "a babbling brook of bullshit?" The short answer is, "who cares?" But for now, I'll just assume that I have thousands upon thousands of dedicated followers who also happen to be the absolute laziest people on the planet.

You're welcome.

re: new idea

2009-01-20T18:23:00.000-05:00

So I decided to google "soupsicle" to see if anyone sells them. Instead, I got distracted by this:

... which led me to this:

Now I just want to play a mean joke on some kids.

You're welcome.

new idea

2009-01-20T18:13:00.000-05:00

If you're like me, you really like soup. It's kind of a hassle to make and all that, though. So I've come up with a new idea:

Soup-sicles.

Basically, you freeze soup and eat it on a stick.

I think ham and beans (with bacon) would be a good enough start.

You're welcome.

chapstick

2009-01-16T17:12:00.000-05:00

I got to thinking yesterday and don't recall EVER having used an entire stick of Chapstick. I either lose it, send it through the washing machine or leave it in the car where it gets all soggy. I mentioned this to my co-worker and he couldn't recall using an entire stick either.

So I'm creating a simple poll to see if anyone has (see sidebar).

You're welcome.

speechless

2009-01-15T17:44:00.000-05:00

This one is very short (22 seconds), but certainly has a happy ending.

You're welcome

this week in cats

2009-01-14T17:07:00.000-05:00

First off-- for readers of my old blog, I'm not doing the whole "angry preacher" thing for TWIC anymore. Sorry-- it just took too long to write. Plus, this shit just writes itself-- plain and simple commentary is good enough. That said.. on with the show:

Can't take the heat? Then get out of the kitchen!

Can't take the cold? Then make yourself a sweater out of cat hair!

That's exactly what this lady does. Well... she actually just makes cat hair handbags, but that's close enough in my book. The following video explains how/why this is done. It is as creepy as it is both charming/interesting:

Three reasons/quotes to watch this:

1:10- "First the cat is thoroughly washed-- some like it, some don't-- and then given a blow#@$." (You'll have to watch to see what the three-letter, blanked-out word is.)

2:10- "Once the time comes to have Charlie put to sleep, I'll have a little piece of him left behind." (I love how she's already convinced that Charlie will be put to sleep-- no if's, and's or but's about it. "I've already got my little cat handbag, so at the very first sign of disease, he's goin' to the vet!!)

2:20- "smelly cat"

Meow-halo.

the NYT is destroying America!

2009-01-14T15:38:00.000-05:00

This little table concerning the Super Bowl was recently featured in the New York Times (Via SLOG) :

Study the table for a second and tell me if you see anything funny. First off, I'm no biologist, but one could make a pretty sound argument that the "Dolphins" could be filed under "other animals" and not just, plain "other." Secondly, why are Giants and Titans listed as "mythical figures" but the Saints are not? Finally, "Bears" should get split in two-- one side going to "other animals", the other needs to go to "humans."

You're welcome.

all good things...

2009-01-13T00:39:00.000-05:00

So I was driving around looking for a new bookshelf when I pulled in to a familiar parking lot only to learn some devastating news:

I think it's only fitting that as one stupid/unnecessary thing begins (this blog), so another one ends. That's right, National Wholesale Liquidators is going out of business. For those of you unfamiliar with said store, just imagine one of those Dollar General stores that sells cheap imported crap with poorly-translated product descriptions. Now imagine that same store sells clothes and furniture as well. Want to be a "Super Fire Protector" (fireman) for Halloween? That'll cost you $4.99 (and mild skin irritation). Just bought a new PC and need a place to put it? Go ahead and plop down $50 for a brand-new "komputer desk."

To answer your question: "Yes, I bought both of those items. And several other things to boot throughout the years." While NWL was certainly lacking in quality and customer service, it more than made up for it with charm. I'm genuinely sad to see it closing its doors. I plopped out my camera phone in an attempt to eulogize a dear friend.

The sign says, "the brands you want at prices you can afford." I think there may be something lost in translation there, because the sign should actually read, "brands you've never heard of at prices randomly determined by our 1979 price tag sticker machine."

They also tested the theory of supply & demand to its absolute limit. In that, I mean that they sold by things that have virtually no demand whatsoever at extremely low prices. Furthermore, buying in bulk allowed them to sell a whole bunch of shit nobody wants at an even unimaginably lower price. Case in point (a.k.a. "doing stupid shit like this is exactly why they're going out of business"):

That's approx. 500 copies of Oz, Season 2 on VHS for $0.99 each. There were four more shelves with more or less the same quantity of said video. Seriously-- are there that many people in the world that would buy Oz, Season 2 on VHS? Let alone in the DC metro area? And do they all shop at NWL? I don't think so. That said, there's certainly a "why not?" angle to the whole ordeal. "Hmmmm... if I skip the extra Junior Bacon Cheeseburger at Wendy's I can gain the ability to watch 5-8 prison rape scenes until the tape wears out. Sold!"

Anyhoos-- this was one of the more desirable things left to purchase during their big liquidation sale. If you're looking for a green mop handle or some size 82 Bugle Boy jeans, there may be time yet.

OK. I'm tired of writing.

You're welcome.